“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
You Might Also Like
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.