[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
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Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Saturday
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.