How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
You Might Also Like
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Cashiers are always checking me out
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏