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My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
that de-escalated quickly
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
My daily affirmation
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…