It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
You Might Also Like
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Breaking news: