I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
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Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am