Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
You Might Also Like
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.