Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
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Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*