Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
You Might Also Like
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate