“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
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Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Breaking news:
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs