I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
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*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Reporter: *ports again*
😎 🍻
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
This could be us… but you playing
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy