Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
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Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT