People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
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A family that plays together cheats.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point