Reporter: *ports again*
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Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.