guys I’m going home
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Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Great acting.. 😂
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?