[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
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The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
translated into Canadian
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
me 2 months after i graduated
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them