If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
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Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling