Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
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Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot