[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
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So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!