One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
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CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in