not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
You Might Also Like
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Mistakes were made
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Woke up against my better judgment again
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.