friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
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[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one