somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
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I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Seas the day!!!!
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.