I have the bruises of a much more active person.
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Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.