I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
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I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.