Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
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Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Candles never taste the way they smell
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Get off my horse you stupid moon
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums