Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
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WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
#oldknees
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.