Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
You Might Also Like
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
you have three unread messages
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again