Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
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I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
I think about this a lot
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Ladies, why y’all do this?
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..