Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
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[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
These are my emotional support Pringles.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.