Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
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Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
good work, everybody
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]