Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
You Might Also Like
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.