me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
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I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant