I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
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Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲