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Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.