I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
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Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*