my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
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Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
I like long walks away from everyone
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.