boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
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The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam