A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
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I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
shit just got real
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.