Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
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ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.