Hello Twits.
You Might Also Like
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
[shakes fist at other fist]
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them