*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
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Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe