LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
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its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Jupiter
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.