*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
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customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Google assistant rules
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”