Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
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*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Kermit goes Blue.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.