*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
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They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
me after eating Cheetos
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney