The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
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Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.