I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
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I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.