kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
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I don’t hate children, just yours.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
You got this…
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.