People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
You Might Also Like
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line